"Fear and Rejection"

I had these words rattling around in my head all weekend, and I wrote it down last night. This is what came out.

Got to the point Could no longer hold in My true feelings anymore Decided to face my fears head on Ready to take it like a man And no longer let rejection and fear Beat me down Don't know why I liked you for so long No regrets in any of it Just not the one that God has for me Even though I knew it all along Still I tried and did nothing at the same time Just wanting to finally move on I know it's for the best Moving forward I know I will be blessed Not sure what's it store for the future It's all in Your hands In You I place my trust Knowing Your pleasing and perfect will So much easier said than done For the first time in my life Not feeling rejected dejected Numb or bummed Just accepted it and moved on Waiting to see what's behind the next door Waiting for that door to be opened "When the time is right I the Lord will make it happen"

I Finally Did It.

Thursday, May 25, 2017 was the night I finally grew some balls. And some confidence. And faced my fears head on like an enemy.

After a year-and-a-half of debating myself and straight up running away from the person that I liked, Thursday I ended that. I was at work, and about an hour before my lunch break I said, I'm finally going to tell her that I liked her. I couldn't keep it inside anymore. I was ready to move on. And I said I was ready to handle it like a man, regardless of what her answer was. And I did.

I would rather run away and change churches than to tell her to her beautiful freckly-green-eyed face that I liked her. That's how much confidence I have in myself.

I texted. I don't know how else to do it. I would rather let my thumbs do the talking than talk face-to-face (or over the phone, apparently...) and I kept my phone off till I got home, in case she responded. She texted back the next day, thanking me for my openness and honesty but never saw me anything beyond a friend, and had just started dating someone. And she did say I'm a great guy and a great friend.

Heartache and rejection are literally all I've ever known, which is why I said I was going to handle it like a man, and not let it get to me or beat me down like literally every other female has in the past. I'm not going to sit and wallow in my own self-pity for a year and possibly miss out on the next person, or, the one, if God has anyone for me.

I thought about more stuff to say to her all weekend, while I was back in Missouri, but I refrained. I think sometimes the best things remain unsaid.  Basically, I was going to say the guy she is with is a very lucky guy (as is anyone who is with her) and kinda give some more of my background, but I refrained.

Thankful it's over. It's not the way I wanted it to, it's pretty much the way I expected it to, but now maybe I can finally start looking for someone else, if there is someone else...