Running Away From You is What My Best Defense Is

Every so often when one of my church groups goes through a dating or relationship series, it always gets me thinking. And currently my beloved singles group at my church is currently going through an adulting Bible study series and last 2 weeks we've ironically talked about dating and relationships, and as little experience as I have in those areas, I've been surprisingly quiet, but it has gotten my motor running and done a lot of thinking. And I'm using some relatively recent personal experiences of mine. It seems that if I know someone is interested in me (the few times that I know of) and I know it's not mutual I shut that person out, or if it's someone that I really REALLY like and have no reason as to why I do when asked, instead of saying anything because I know it's not mutual on her part, I run away from them. Ouch.

Example 1: L and I were basically best friends. Shortly after my one breakup. Nothing beyond friendship, I thought. We could talk about anything and everything, and one day out of the blue she said she liked me. My response: that's fine, I'm not interested. Things then got awkward (rather, I made them awkward) when I found out she was w/someone I basically did away with her. Long story short we do remain friends, but she's with the right person. I get awkward.

Example 2: A is someone who is 15 years younger than me, come to find out she was interested in me as well. Sorry but 15 years is too much of an age difference. I never gave it a second thought when we weren't around each other. I shut her out, pretty much for good. Too awkward with the age difference.

Example 3: G. EVERYONE knows this story. Completely infatuated for a year-and-a-half and said and did nothing because I knew it wasn't mutual.  Once I finally grew some stones and told her, I tried to shut it off w/her. I've never been good at giving people space. I took her number out of my phone (which thanks to smart phone technology, you never truly do) I tried to hide ALL the photos of her and I on facebook, and one of her and I on another friend's page I just untagged myself. I was trying so hard to move on from her, and quickly, but yet she would still dominate my thoughts, almost all day every day. I was told not to contact her. Almost did. I would drop a few texts seeing how she was doing. Long story short, I saw her in passing a few weeks ago, I felt nothing. Felt like I was seeing an old friend and I felt like I had my closure. Still in contact, thankfully.

I realized that by me shutting out everyone who may be interested in me or running away from those I am interested in, how am I ever truly going to find the One? Confidence is one thing I've been lacking my entire life. I feel that I would rather be friends with her than anything beyond that, I think that goes back to my childhood having no friends, and fear of losing friends. I was close with all 3 of these.

I think another reason I would rather run away than face my fears is because I'm afraid I'm going to get hurt. Again. I've had more heartache and rejection in my life that it's all I've ever known, and after my ex and I broke up, I think I was also quickly and frantically trying to replace her with someone. It seems to be a trend with me. It seems the quicker I try and move on from those that the worse I tend to make it for myself. Never again.

Just need to sit back and wait on God and also be active in my search, but not trying to fill a void inside as well. As I wrote in some lyrics 7 years ago, "I'll keep waiting, she'll show up in God's perfect timing"

And as Relient K said (which is the title of this entry) "Running away from you is what my best defense is"