...But Still I Tried...

Since around this time last year, I have liked the same person off-and-on, knowing it wasn't mutal. Why I keep going back? I don't know. I started noticing her, I guess, knowing she was taken at the time, I remember asking her to lunch on Christmas night, and she said it would only be as friends. Flash forward to this fall. I have liked her 3 times since September. Why her? Why not. I mean, one look at her and you can see why. In my eyes, she is absolutely perfect. She is the most beautiful woman in the world I think, at the time, I just kinda looked at my options in my circle, and she was the closest to my age, and she is super sweet, and amazing Christian woman, and can laugh easily, all traits I look for. But it pains me, knowing I have zero chance. None. Zilch. Nada. I have a better chance of winning the lottery tomorrow.

We went to lunch as friends in July, it was over in less than an hour. It was just as friends, didn't seem much of a bond or connection. But still I tried. We attended the wedding of mutual friends from church in early September. She looked absolutely stunning. I could not take my eyes off her. I wanted to ask her to dance, never got up the nerve to. I did all the nice guy things, offered her cake, and went and got her a piece, she was oblivious to it. Still I tried...

I overheard her talking to someone else about relationships and whatnot and knowing that she was single (at the time) was when I officially liked her for the first time, and the first time I have officially liked anyone since my ex and I parted ways 3 years ago. I found out later that week that it, once again, wasn't mutual. I felt like absolute crap for a night, and then decided to not let it get me down and to pick myself up, brush myself off, and move on with my life. Thought about telling her how I had been feeling, then decided best to just let it go and remain friends. Still I tried...

Not long after that she had her birthday and mine was approaching, so I decided to ask her to lunch to celebrate both birthdays. She responded with, if we do go to lunch, I want you to know it's just as friends, I don't want you to think I was leading you on. Ok. So I never really brought it up again. I thought the next day in church would be super awkward. It wasn't. Thankfully I didn't even think about it. We usually sit together and we did and our class went to Chipotle for lunch, and she called me 3 times trying to find the location. Ok, great, still friends, I thought. Still I tried..

Fast forward to this past week. Literally EVERY TIME I see her, I want to ask her to lunch or get an updated picture. We actually did get a new picture, I know it was awkward for her. I promised it wouldn't go on Facebook (since so many of my pictures instantly go up) and I kept my promise, only 2 or 3 people have seen it, I don't even think she did. Sunday night was my most bizarre. I went to her page and looked through ALL of her photos (back to like 2007) like I was in love with her. I got chills (blame it on the cold) and I felt like I was going to cry, knowing I have zero chance with her. Why did I do it? She was on my brain. I think it was because she wasn't in church that morning and so I didn't get to see her. That night I finally prayed about it, to take these feelings away, since they weren't mutual, and I asked God to once again lead me to the right person, and to find a group with people more my age for me to get plugged into. I have yearned for a small group ministry for people in their 30s. I found one that meets at another church about 10 minute from me. Perfect. I hope this was the answered prayer I had been looking for.

She had been on my brain yet again today. Which is why I decided to type this. I don't know why, for the life of me, I have continued to have my eyes set on one particular person all year, knowing it didn't reciprocate, knowing I was just wasting my time. I long. I yearn. I'm desperate. She fit all I look for, but still I tried...