2017 Year in Review

Haven't done one of these since, well, this time last year. It seems only yesterday I was one of the few people who didn't want to see 2016 end and reflected and thanked God for such an amazing year. Flash forward one year, this year was, in one word: full. In 5 words: full of change and transition.

Around this time last year, I had began praying to find a single's group at a local church to find people my age to plug in with. Still in the college ministry at my former church, I was burnt out and tired of feeling older than everyone. I had that prayer answered, I found a lifegroup at a nearby church. I attended the lifegroup for the first time in January and joined it immediately. I would still go to worship at my former church for about 6 weeks and then drive over in time for class to begin. In early March, I attended my first worship service at Cottonwood Creek, and in June I officially became a member. I had been a member of First Baptist for 19 years and never thought I would leave, but Cottonwood offered something that FBC didn't: a chance to plug in with single Christians in their 30s (we are the forgotten demographic in the church) I am thankful every day that I found them and have made so many friendships in the almost a year of being a member of that lifegroup.

The second biggest thing (and possibly most embarrassing) I liked a female for a year-and-a-half, and because of my absolute fear of rejection, I could not tell her. How would she ever know? I finally told her in May. I knew it wasn't mutual but I took it like a man. I would say I moved on immediately but that wasn't the case. She would still dominate my thoughts. I saw her one last time in August. I felt nothing. I felt like I was seeing an old friend and that I had closure. But that's also one of the reasons I attend Cottonwood Creek now, I literally ran away from her. Pretty embarrassing for someone at my age to run away from something like that, but it worked out. I am where I am supposed to be. And the fact I finally told a female I liked her, that's huge for me. Gotta work on that confidence thing (2018 goals...)

In February I was able to cross something else off my list: seeing Monster Jam (monster trucks)in person. I've watched literally my entire life, and was able to get some cheap tickets at AT&T stadium, with free pit/floor passes, so I got all the trucks up close before they got torn up and was able to meet/get autographs of 3 drivers. Wish it would have been more, but thankful to have been able to go. One of the coolest experiences of my life!

In March we took an unexpected trip to Colorado. My dad's aunt, who was my grandma's twin sister, passed away at age 88. Outside of the fact we were there for a funeral and the 12-hour straight drive through boring west Texas, it was a wonderful trip. Saw family I haven't seen in over 20 years, and one I had never met, and took my camera and got some incredible photos of Pikes Peak and Garden of the Gods.

I didn't attend any weddings this year, but 3 funerals were enough for me. Last year was the year where all my friends seemingly got married. This was the year to say goodbye (or see ya later) to loved ones.

I took my first actual vacation in 4 years. In July I found myself at my old stomping grounds and took a car and drove 8 hours to see maybe 10 friends. Had  a great trip, recreating old memories and making new ones. Also found myself ending up going to Chiefs training camp in St. Joseph. My Friday in Kansas City was the one free day I had, and I was initially planning on going to a tour of Arrowhead Stadium, which was about 10 minutes from my friends' house I was staying at. The guy in charge of the tours of Arrowhead called me and said that the stadium wasn't available that day for tours, and so on a whim I decided to go to training camp. It was only an hour or so north of KC, but it was one of the coolest experiences of my life. Stopped by a local Walmart and grabbed a cheap-o Chiefs hat in hopes to get some autographs. I ended up getting over 20 players autographs. I got then-unknown rookie running back Kareem Hunt, who was third on the depth chart at the time. I only took my picture with 2 players, and am kicking myself for not taking my picture w/Hunt. One of the coolest experiences of my life, bucket list for sure, may never get that chance again. I have only seen the Chiefs in person once, it had been over 20 years, and have never been that close to the players.

My drive home was scary. I barely slept the night before and I got an hour down the road, and about to fall asleep, I stopped in Nevada (an hour south of KC) and dozed in my car for about 10 minutes and injected a lot of caffeine and ran cold water over my face. That got me home.

I only attended 2 concerts, but they were both incredible. I saw Big Daddy Weave at my church in August, ended up being a 3-hour worship set, basically. And in October I went with a friend to see Disciple and Children 18:3 at a church in Irving. I had seen Disciple a handful of times, but never headlined. Was an amazing show. They did a worship set in the middle, and some people gave their lives to Jesus. Great show.

The biggest surprise for me this year: In June, I was at the truck race, and noticed an autograph line, and looked up and it was racing legend Mario Andretti. The line was only about a 10-15 minute wait, I shook his hand and said I'm honored to meet you sir. There is a photo of he and I shaking hands. I had him personalize my autographed photo.

That's just a few of the highlights and embarrassing moments of this year. Thankful for every moment. Every photo taken. Every friend made. Every friend reunion. Finally meeting people face-to-face after being in contact for years. Every dirt car I was allowed to climb in (I'm a big kid). Every moment is a learning experience. Life is a gift.

As we close out 2017, I eagerly and anxiously anticipate what 2018 has in store for me.

Taking a Stand

Choosing my words very carefully here, I've all all weekend plus a day to chew, digest, and dissect my words and thoughts on this topic. To stand or kneel during the national anthem, especially during NFL games, where it is taking the center of attention.

I have been an avid NFL (and Kansas City Chiefs) fan for 3 decades now. I have 4 binders full of trading cards (yes, I still collect, not like I used to...spend money on adulting things) and am fiercely passionate about the Chiefs (being my hometown, they have been a big part of my life since I was 10 years old). 

Ever since has-been QB Colin Kaepernick decided to begin protesting the National Anthem last year to talk about "racial inequality" (and please, I don't need a lecturing from a 29-year-old biracial person who was adopted and raised by a middle class white family who makes $20 million a year to ride the bench) He knows NOTHING about oppression..

The beginning of this season, seeing how this whole protesting has become the spotlight, I said I'm only going to watch the Chiefs this year, I am tired of the protesting. I watch football and other sports to take my mind off the cares of daily life, and it sucks that politics and sports are now intertwining.

I attended a sports bar in Richardson Sunday to watch the Chiefs, and all week I read on Twitter how many players were thinking about "taking a knee" (And #TakeAKnee became a trending hashtag on twitter) I said if ANY Chiefs players kneel I will temporarily take a break from them. And sure enough 2 prominent (one white, one black) Chiefs took a knee, one on the bench, both had their hand over their hearts, but it seemed to me to be a half-hearted effort.

All across the league players demonstrated their disrespect for our flag. Entire teams knelt, some teams stayed in the locker room. Players locked arms as a sign of unity while some knelt while locked in arms. The entire Steelers team was in the tunnel except for one offensive lineman who played at Army and served and received a bronze heart while serving. If ANY player deserves the right to stand attentive to our anthem, it's Villanueva. Later, though, the Steelers head coach had the nerve to chastise him. I lost ALL respect for Mike Tomlin right then.

This whole anthem protesting and racial inequalities is based on half-truths and full lies from the media. And the media isn't helping. They are fanning the flames. They are the ones who show which players are protesting. Quit giving those players the spotlight. Don't focus on them being disrespectful.

I understand they have the first amendment right to peacefully protest, but on the sidelines while the National Anthem is playing, is NOT the time. They are on their company time, being payed (millions) by their employer, to play a child's game. I understand they are using this stage and their occupation to take a stand (or knee) but I look at it from my perspective, and us "regular" folks who work and grind and trying to make a living. I show up at work to work. I try and leave my politics out of it. I may pull a coworker aside and have a one-on-one conversation about something happening in the world, but I understand my job is more important than my political views, while I am on company time. I don't think my boss would appreciate me protesting supposed inequalities while I'm on the clock.

Something else I'm passionate about, and am becoming even moreso, is auto racing. I think everyone knows how big of a racing fan I am. I have been literally my entire life. Going to races in person, be it at the professional NASCAR level all the way to the local dirt track, is some of the most fun you will ever have! The site of 40 cars roaring by you at 200 MPH, to dirt cars sliding through the corners, the smell of the racing fuel, the way the drivers interact with the fans, there's nothing like it. And there is no more patriotic fan base than racing fans. During the anthem, every driver, crew member, and fan is saluting the flag and anthem as it is supposed to be. Saturday night at my local dirt track, before the anthem played, the track announcer said we ALL stand for the anthem. I was at the concession stand and tried to hurry back to salute the flag and honor those who had fallen defending it. Made it back just in time. Hat over my heart, singing word for word, and reflecting. What the flag means to me. As an American. As a Christian. Freedom. Freedom that I live in America. Freedom I have as a Christian and a Child of God. Thinking of those who sacrificed their all for our country and that flag.

I hate to see our anthem at the center of our controversy. If this trend continues, I don't even want to know what lengths those who oppose it will do until it's probably completely removed, because freedom offends them. 

I'm glad I live in what is still the greatest country in the world. "And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free, and I won't forget the men who died and gave that right to me, and I'll gladly STAND UP and defend her still today, cause there ain't no doubt I love this land. God bless the USA"

"If my people, who are called by My name, will humble themselves and pray, I will hear them from heaven and heal their land" 2 Chronicles 7:14

Running Away From You is What My Best Defense Is

Every so often when one of my church groups goes through a dating or relationship series, it always gets me thinking. And currently my beloved singles group at my church is currently going through an adulting Bible study series and last 2 weeks we've ironically talked about dating and relationships, and as little experience as I have in those areas, I've been surprisingly quiet, but it has gotten my motor running and done a lot of thinking. And I'm using some relatively recent personal experiences of mine. It seems that if I know someone is interested in me (the few times that I know of) and I know it's not mutual I shut that person out, or if it's someone that I really REALLY like and have no reason as to why I do when asked, instead of saying anything because I know it's not mutual on her part, I run away from them. Ouch.

Example 1: L and I were basically best friends. Shortly after my one breakup. Nothing beyond friendship, I thought. We could talk about anything and everything, and one day out of the blue she said she liked me. My response: that's fine, I'm not interested. Things then got awkward (rather, I made them awkward) when I found out she was w/someone I basically did away with her. Long story short we do remain friends, but she's with the right person. I get awkward.

Example 2: A is someone who is 15 years younger than me, come to find out she was interested in me as well. Sorry but 15 years is too much of an age difference. I never gave it a second thought when we weren't around each other. I shut her out, pretty much for good. Too awkward with the age difference.

Example 3: G. EVERYONE knows this story. Completely infatuated for a year-and-a-half and said and did nothing because I knew it wasn't mutual.  Once I finally grew some stones and told her, I tried to shut it off w/her. I've never been good at giving people space. I took her number out of my phone (which thanks to smart phone technology, you never truly do) I tried to hide ALL the photos of her and I on facebook, and one of her and I on another friend's page I just untagged myself. I was trying so hard to move on from her, and quickly, but yet she would still dominate my thoughts, almost all day every day. I was told not to contact her. Almost did. I would drop a few texts seeing how she was doing. Long story short, I saw her in passing a few weeks ago, I felt nothing. Felt like I was seeing an old friend and I felt like I had my closure. Still in contact, thankfully.

I realized that by me shutting out everyone who may be interested in me or running away from those I am interested in, how am I ever truly going to find the One? Confidence is one thing I've been lacking my entire life. I feel that I would rather be friends with her than anything beyond that, I think that goes back to my childhood having no friends, and fear of losing friends. I was close with all 3 of these.

I think another reason I would rather run away than face my fears is because I'm afraid I'm going to get hurt. Again. I've had more heartache and rejection in my life that it's all I've ever known, and after my ex and I broke up, I think I was also quickly and frantically trying to replace her with someone. It seems to be a trend with me. It seems the quicker I try and move on from those that the worse I tend to make it for myself. Never again.

Just need to sit back and wait on God and also be active in my search, but not trying to fill a void inside as well. As I wrote in some lyrics 7 years ago, "I'll keep waiting, she'll show up in God's perfect timing"

And as Relient K said (which is the title of this entry) "Running away from you is what my best defense is"

Is It a Requirement or a Necessary Evil of the Job?

As you know by now I am a huge NASCAR fan. Have been for as long as I can remember. I've always had a love affair of cars. I remember growing up at my local dirt track. My faith and love of racing are the 2 biggest parts of my life (unfortunately though, sometimes I wonder WHICH is more important???)

One of the draws of NASCAR to me is how accessible the drivers are. Where else can you go to any sporting event and get to meet the athletes/participants at almost any given time during the weekend? They all ALMOST always make time for the fans.

I am bringing this up in light of an incident involving Danica Patrick over the weekend at Pocono. She was walking to her car and was booed by some "fans" (now I'm no Danica Patrick fan at all, but I'm to the point I no longer boo the drivers at the track. They are all in a high-risk profession, they put their life on the line literally every time they strap into their car. Who am I do show my disapproval of them (Joey Logano and Danica Patrick?) She came up to the fans and gave them a piece of her mid and dropped an f-bomb. In that time she COULD have been signing for a few fans. In my opinion no one was right. The fans didn't need to boo her loud enough for her to hear it, she didn't (or did she..) need to come over and cuss them out.

So, the main point of this entry is: are drivers REQUIRED to sign autographs, or does it just come w/the territory of being a part of the biggest racing series in the country? I have seen drivers completely avoid fans (being mobbed would do that to even the most outgoing of personalities) and I have seen drivers go out of their way to make the day for some fans. I have had good and bad experiences, Mostly good. I am not a pushy person. I understand they can't make time for everyone, I'm sure I would get frustrated too if I saw a large group of people shoving things in my face for me to throw a 2-second scribble onto an item while I was trying to walk to where I was going.

I posted this topic on a page I have on Facebook, and this one person seemed to brag that they were known as the "autograph queen of Bristol" and that they were an "autograph hound". They ARE just people, and I'm sure most of the drivers feel weird about having grown men coming up and asking them to sign something.

November of 2015 I met Matt DiBenidetto for the first time. Didn't know much about him, almost didn't recognize him since he had his firesuit tied around his waist. I'm one of those, I get 1 or 2 items signed. Tops. I don't need a half-dozen items signed. Why? Where do I have room for it? What would I do with it? I had my race program and a green flag. After he signed one item, I asked if he could sign the other one too. His response was, yes, of course I will. Not all of them will be that accommodating. I have seen people get pushed to the ground because of trying to get that lucrative autograph. Really, is it really worth it?

I have gotten to the point, where I've been so fortunate to have met almost all the drivers over the years, do I really NEED their autograph again? Do I need an updated Paul Menard or Ryan Newman because they're there? After this incident and reading that person's comments on that Facebook page, I am really rethinking my autograph policy. Yes it's nice they take time for fans. I have seen the best and the worst. They ARE just people. Granted they are high-profile because of the profession they're in and the exposure. There is no law that says drivers HAVE to sign for the fans at the track. But I think they hesitantly understand the reason they are there is because of us fans. For me, I would rather strike up a conversation and take a photo than ask for an autograph. I'm respectful, well at least, try and be anyway.

More of the Same

After I told "G" that I finally liked her, I got to the point where I would still think about her constantly. I don't know why. So I (temporarily, anyway...) took her number out of my phone, deleted all the texts, hid all the photos of her and I on Facebook (that took a minute...) and unfollowed her as well. Am I upset? Am I bummed? Disappointed? Brokenhearted? No to all. I am REALLY wanting to move on from her, and quickly. She's still my friend, she's an amazing wonderful person, but not the one for me.

I signed up for Christian Mingle, gosh, 3 or 4 years ago maybe, after my ex and I broke up. I had an email from someone that I had to pay to read, so I gave Christian mingle 30 dollars of my hard-earned retail money, to read one dang email. Hope it's worth it! In my minds wanderings of putting together my thoughts of the past week, I came up with this, and I wrote it on my lunch break yesterday (the beginning is similar to "All My Life" from Foo Fighters) And I also just wrote down whatever came to mind, while watching Forrest Gump, eating, and talking w/coworkers on my lunch break. I'm surprised it flowed as well as it did.

All my life Been searching for the one Always come back empty Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find the one God has set aside for me Patience The older I get The more I realize it takes patience Trusting Leaning not on my own understanding Inevitable Knowing You know what's best for me And in Your timing You will make everything new And erase every wrong that's been done And reverse every heartache I've ever had Live in forever hope But also know I'm not ready yet So many things in life I need to work on To be the man You need me to be And to be the man she needs me to be as well

"Fear and Rejection"

I had these words rattling around in my head all weekend, and I wrote it down last night. This is what came out.

Got to the point Could no longer hold in My true feelings anymore Decided to face my fears head on Ready to take it like a man And no longer let rejection and fear Beat me down Don't know why I liked you for so long No regrets in any of it Just not the one that God has for me Even though I knew it all along Still I tried and did nothing at the same time Just wanting to finally move on I know it's for the best Moving forward I know I will be blessed Not sure what's it store for the future It's all in Your hands In You I place my trust Knowing Your pleasing and perfect will So much easier said than done For the first time in my life Not feeling rejected dejected Numb or bummed Just accepted it and moved on Waiting to see what's behind the next door Waiting for that door to be opened "When the time is right I the Lord will make it happen"

I Finally Did It.

Thursday, May 25, 2017 was the night I finally grew some balls. And some confidence. And faced my fears head on like an enemy.

After a year-and-a-half of debating myself and straight up running away from the person that I liked, Thursday I ended that. I was at work, and about an hour before my lunch break I said, I'm finally going to tell her that I liked her. I couldn't keep it inside anymore. I was ready to move on. And I said I was ready to handle it like a man, regardless of what her answer was. And I did.

I would rather run away and change churches than to tell her to her beautiful freckly-green-eyed face that I liked her. That's how much confidence I have in myself.

I texted. I don't know how else to do it. I would rather let my thumbs do the talking than talk face-to-face (or over the phone, apparently...) and I kept my phone off till I got home, in case she responded. She texted back the next day, thanking me for my openness and honesty but never saw me anything beyond a friend, and had just started dating someone. And she did say I'm a great guy and a great friend.

Heartache and rejection are literally all I've ever known, which is why I said I was going to handle it like a man, and not let it get to me or beat me down like literally every other female has in the past. I'm not going to sit and wallow in my own self-pity for a year and possibly miss out on the next person, or, the one, if God has anyone for me.

I thought about more stuff to say to her all weekend, while I was back in Missouri, but I refrained. I think sometimes the best things remain unsaid.  Basically, I was going to say the guy she is with is a very lucky guy (as is anyone who is with her) and kinda give some more of my background, but I refrained.

Thankful it's over. It's not the way I wanted it to, it's pretty much the way I expected it to, but now maybe I can finally start looking for someone else, if there is someone else...

Outlive Album Review

Demon Hunter is my favorite band. Have been for a decade. First time I heard "Not Ready to Die", I was hooked. I was super excited for their first release in 3 years, and their 8th studio album, "Outlive". This is a stretch for them musically. There is the typical in your face pulsating metal sound that you come to expect.

The opening track, "Trying Times", has aspects of Ryan Clark's side project "Nyves" throughout the track, and then it flows seamlessly into the typical DH Metal track, Jesus Wept (which is the first time in their album history they have used the name "Jesus". Kind of surprising)

Cold Winter Sun is the first song I heard released off the album, with a lyric video that premiered on YouTube back at the beginning of the year. It reminds me of a few songs off of "Extremist" Heavy rock, radio friendly. I do like how Ryan hits a falsetto right before going into his trademark growl. Guitarist Patrick Judge wrote the lyrics to this song, but there is one line that still gets me as gramattically incorrect: "we are the kingdom come, we are come undone". Trying to figure out what he meant by that. Otherwise it's a powerful song.

Next track is "Died in my Sleep" Starts out with a nice electronic loop and then goes straight to some nice guitar work and Yogi's signature drum beats. Another nice heavy radio-friendly track. And I like how Ryan once again hits the falsetto in the chorus "Died in my sleep, oo-oo-oo-"

Next up is Half as Dead: starts out with almost a '90s grunge sound with a distorted drum beat before the guitars hit. I really like the chorus "Before I go to sleep, bury me 3 feet deep because I'm not half as dead as you".

Cold Blood is track 6, the halfway point. This song is the typical Demon Hunter rock your face off and make you go ballistic metal! Ryan scream sings the verses and the chorus.

One Step Behind starts out with a bizarre keyboard reminiscent of "Heart of the Graveyard", the final cut of the "Extremist" album. This could almost be considered the ballad of the album. Ryan sings in his normal singing voice and I'm blown away.

Raining Blood starts out with another electronic loop before the guitars and Yogi's pulsating drums come in. Another heavy radio-friendly track.

Once the next track, "One Less" comes in, it will definitely get your attention. Ryan is screaming at you, and in the verse, the guitars and Yogi's double-bass pedals are playing in sync. This is a metal track for sure, and is definitely the heaviest track. Ryan has a high-pitched scream before going into his growl.

Track 10 is a song called "Patience" starts out with a nice piano. I actually really like how it goes from the piano to the rock sound, and Ryan sings in his normal voice. Kind of reminds me of Follow the Wolves on the "Storm The Gates of Hell" album.

Track 11 is called "Slight the Odds" and it starts out with strings. It definitely reminds me of "Sixteen" also from the "Storm..." album. The strings fade beautifully while the drums build up and the track and volume gradually progress before Ryan's vocals come in.

The final track is called "The End" (Although I'm playing this from my iTunes library so I think 11 and 12 may be out of order). It's more reminiscent of other radio-friendly rock songs throughout the album.

To sum it up, I LIKE this album, but it's not their best, which in my opinion, are Storm The Gates of Hell (2007) and True Defiance (2012).  I like that there is the typical in your face metal screaming pulsating drums and crazy guitar solos that we have come to expect from Demon Hunter. I like that they show maturation and experimentation in their sound. I really like how my Ryan's voice has grown, and the first album where he has actually hit a falsetto in a few of the tracks. A solid album.

First Post of 2017...Same Old Same old

I have liked "G" For the past year now. I'm at the point I'm finally moving on, because I knew I had zero chance. She let me know nicely that I'm just a friend, blah blah blah, you've heard it. I actually started attending a different church just to move on from her (not without getting one last pic w/her last week!)

She was still on my mind the other night, so I jotted down this masterpiece in 2 minutes the other night at work. I actually had a couple people ask if I showed this to her. Why would I? She's not trying to get over me. It's me basically saying what I need to say without actually having to say it.

Never felt this way About anyone ever Now I'm just wanting to Completely move on from you Nothing you did Knowing I didn't have a chance with you Unable to tell you How I truly feel Maybe sometime down the road When all the feelings subside I will Never wanted to feel this way Toward you It just happened Fought myself for too long Once again doing nothing Would rather do nothing and run away Than tell you and face my Ultimate fear yet again Sometime soon I will meet someone Who will feel the same way Towards me than I do for them And every heartache and rejection That I've ever known Will forever cease Live in that daily hope