I Think The Hardest Part of Holding On Is Letting It Go

Monday I made the most difficult decision of my life, but I felt like it had to be done.

2 years after running away from "G", she was still dominating my thoughts. Why? Do I have literally nobody else to think about in the busy-ness that is my life? I honestly don't have an answer. So after much thought, I just decided to end it, and finally move on with my life. I unfriended and unfollowed her social media accounts and either took down or untagged all photos I had of/with her (there was a lot)

I selfishly do this so I can move on. I never wanted to be in this situation to begin with and I honestly didn't know how to handle it. After all the praying, arguing/debating back and forth with myself, NOT wanting to be interested because I KNEW going in she wasn't the one, to literally running away instead of facing my fears, I felt like it was the right thing to do.

Like I posted in the lyrics I wrote last week, what if? What if I had never liked her beyond friendship? What if I had confidence in myself and could just tell her and risked the biggest fear I have? So many questions remain unanswered.

I still care deeply about her, I still do consider her a friend, although have only heard from her once all year, and this was nothing to do with her and everything to do with me and finally trying to move on once-and-for-all.

I use all this as a learning experience for the future in case this situation should arise again. I have too much self-doubt and lack-of-confidence, especially with females, especially incredibly Godly, beautiful females. How will I ever find the "one" if I keep running away and keep my feelings in the "head in the clouds" and never do anything about it? Someone once told me that I'm afraid to go after women, because I'm afraid I'm going to get hurt again. I hate it when people know me better than I know myself.

"Goodbye for now, I think the hardest part of holding on is letting it go"--POD.

"What If"

Lately I've been pondering (scary I know) That up until 2 years ago, what if I never liked "G"? What if I had just stayed friends with her and not let it develop beyond that? Where would I be in life right now? Would I still be at my old church with my old group of friends? Would I even know my amazing Cottonwood friends? So Tuesday I had a group of words rattling around in my head all day at work for 2 days, Wednesday I basically wrote it in my mind and made sure the idea was still in my head when I got home. I wrote it down, and even after I put it in my phone yesterday I added yet a couple more lines. It kind of reads like "Start Again" from the Red Innocence and Instinct album (go back 10 years) So without any further explanation, here's "What If"

Looking back
On time passed 
What could i have done differently? 
What if i never liked you? 
What if i has just stayed friends? 
What if i didn’t run away?
What if i could let go of all my fears?
What if i could truly trust You like i say i do?
Would my life be any different?
Why am i always so fearful?
Why am i always so afraid?
You have not given me a spirit of fear
God You know all the answers
You have a plan
You opened up the doors
You planted all feelings and emotions
Yet i still don’t quite know all the answers
And only know i will get them
In Your perfect timing
Difficult for my human mind
To at times grasp
Until Jesus truly satisfies
Not one person or thing ever will
Daily reminder to myself

a friend of mine asked me what I do with my songs? I'm not a musician. I'm a writer. I write to say what at times, believe it or not, I can't always say (and after 2 years why am I still writing songs about her?) I've been doing a lot of self-reflecting in my writing lately, I have 37 years of experience. I write for myself but also so maybe someone else can relate as well!