The Gift of Singleness

The past few weeks at church, either my home church or my Tuesday night gathering in North Dallas with thousands of Young Adult Christians, the topic has been dating and/or/relationships and/or/singleness and the gift thereof. I know when I learn or have multiple lessons in a short span God is telling me something. I actually re-watched last Tuesday's message from the Porch. It hit me. Hard. In a good way. I have yet to understand, though, why relationships (from my perspective) are always the easiest thing to talk about but always so hard to be in, or even be in one at all.

This past week's message was on the gift of singleness. From what I've been through in life, it's hard for me to view it as a gift. I see it more of a curse. Just for me. I understand that singleness is a gift and is used as a time to serve the Lord. The message last week started with 1 Corinthians 7: an unmarried man isn't pleased in his own actions, rather, how he can serve the Lord (that's a big paraphrase and I had to backup when writing this quote down so as to not be taken out of context) Singleness is a gift that is useful. God has this status for you for a reason to share the name of Jesus. I have never seen it this way. The time to do rich ministry. That's where life is found.

The age-old single for a season, single for a reason...this struck me and hit me deep. I feel like I have had a longer single-season than almost anyone I know. Not trying to make it sound like it's all about me, because that would be defeating the point of this. It's a gift for today. I feel like so much so, however, that at this point is a gift that nobody really wants.

I've heard it said time and time again that when you aren't looking then that's when you'll find someone. It's so cliche. I technically haven't been looking for 3 years. I can barely be interested in anyone for more than a day, week, month...etc, a very short period of time, before I once again find out the hard way either she's taken or not interested. So much so that by this point of my life I'm just numb to it all. I know I'm not supposed to doubt or question God, but in reality, I do a lot. I often ask, God, how much more heartache am I allowed to have? Am I supposed to have anyone at all? Is anyone capable of loving me? Am I capable of loving someone else? It does go both ways. And yes, I think as a human who cannot think like God, it is ok to have these questions and doubts, but it also takes faith that God's plans are better than our plans and His ways are higher than our was.

As I've stated in a previous entry, I SAY I'm ready for a relationship, when in actuality, I'm not. There's so much in my life I need to remove, change, make myself better,etc, before I'm ready.

Get rid of my self-doubt. That's a hard one. I've had this lack-of-confidence about me almost my whole life.
Start telling women that I'm interested, and be ready for the response. For too long I've always liked someone and never did a thing about it. I always knew what the response would be, so after almost 35 years and becoming numb to it, I would honestly rather DO NOTHING than say anything for fear of rejection yet again.

Overcome rejection. So they aren't interested. Don't dwell on it, Suck it up and move on. Been there. Too many time to count. With one exception, rejection is literally all I've ever known. Like I keep reiterating, so much so that at this point of my life I am completely numb to it.

Become the man I need to be. I have told myself this so much. Remove any hindrance that keeps me from my focus on God. This is the single hardest thing for me to do. So often I just get distracted with life and my selfish needs that I forget that God ultimately knows what's best for me.

There was a point during the message when I poured out my heart and gave it all over to God. All my doubts, fears, my future, everything, so much so to where I was almost to the point of tears. I asked God, can I be content if You have no one for me? I think my answer was a reluctant, yes. Do You have anyone for me? Why is it so hard? Am I doing anything wrong? My mind began racing with all these questions that seem to have no answer, but then His peace and assurance told me to wait. Wait. That's all I've done. But I know His timing is different than my timing. And His will is perfect. And so often I've asked myself, why doesn't God tell us what His will is for my life? It would be so much easier. That's where faith and trust come in. I don't have enough faith or trust. In myself. In God. I fail.

I'm trying to see my singleness as a gift. It's so hard. I'm not trying to make this entry sound so depressing, I'm opening up myself to everyone who reads this. Underneath this is a broken man who wants for nothing more than to be loved. I am loved by my Father. I would love for a woman to love me the way that Jesus does.