2019 Year-In-Review

Where has this year gone? I have had the busiest, fullest, at times challenging, frustrating year of my life!

I'll start with the positive. Come June I had become beyond frustrated with my job. Not enjoying it. At all. More work than one person can do. No end in sight. Seeking a way out, I began applying at photography-related jobs. I either felt underqualified or undereducated. I had a couple e-mail follow ups but nothing beyond that. Out of the blue I got a text from the manager of LifeTouch portrait studios for their church directory position. I was hired over the phone and began work in September, Definitely an answered prayer. I travel to various denominations of churches in the area and take photos (and hopefully sell them) to the members for their church directories. I love it. It's not stressful. I only get stressed in driving to the locations. It's not really work, it's more fun than anything, the only "work" is setting up and tearing down the studio. I was pulling 6 day weeks for the first month I started, so I had literally Sunday to play catch up on everything. I've traveled to Waco (twice), Tyler, Athens, Ft. Worth, Eastland, Waxahachie, etc...I'm thankful that when mom retired in February I got her car because my old Cavalier wouldn't have been able to handle all the miles I put now. Thankful for an answered prayer, and that I get to do what I love and that I work in churches with, for the most part, like-minded people where I can openly talk about my faith and/or politics (depending on the church)

I went to races at 6 different dirt tracks this past year. Superbowl in Greenville will ALWAYS be my home track, and again I got to help out there. Some nights I was in the infield shooting photos, a couple nights I was actually in the scoring tower helping call the action. Love that little track and thankful I get to help out, again, kind of living the dream there, I've always wanted to help out or be involved in racing.

I also attended races at RPM Speedway in Crandall, south of Dallas, a Friday night show, traffic was fun. Devil's Bowl Speedway in Mesquite for some sprint car action, and got to meet one of the greatest sprint car drivers of all-time, Sammy Swindell, who, in his mid-60s, is still one of the best in the business. 82 Speedway, 60 miles on a way, on a last-minute decision because Superbowl rained out, same with one night at Grayson County Speedway near Sherman, because again, Superbowl rained out and left on a last-minute decision.

The coolest racing experience I had this year: at the June truck race at Texas Motor Speedway, I was allowed on track before the race started to get interviewed for the Big Hoss screen (the giant HD tv that towers over the backstretch) It was cool, seeing myself and hearing myself as well, on a small delay. I've been very fortunate and blessed to have some cool experiences because of my love of racing.

I attended 2 concerts this year, which is my average, but they were both good ones. I saw my 2 favorite bands within a week-and-a-half of each other at the same location in Deep Ellum in Dallas. Demon Hunter, my favorite band of over a decade, I saw in late September, 2 separate shows. First half of the night was all acoustic, then after a short break they came back out and melted my face off. was an awesome night! Was able to meet their bass player after the show. A week-and-a-half later I saw my other favorite band, Red, at the same venue. They played their entire second album, in honor of it being a decade since it was released. They played again in Dallas in December, but I missed that one. I also missed out on Switchfoot, they played in the spring, and I waited too late to get tickets and it sold out..

This year has been a roller coaster, God had His hand in all of it and opened doors and answered prayers as to where I need to be in life, I was miserable at my previous job and thankful that I found something I love. My motto is work hard play hard, never more evident of that than this year.

Can't believe it's almost 2020. Y2K is now a distant memory, the non-event that it was. And, for the first time since I was about 12, I can finally say I have 2020 vision! Ha!

Summer update

I just survived the busiest summer of my life. Lots of changes have happened since my last post, so let's get to it.

Come mid-June, I had become burnt out at my last job (a bit of a foreshadow here) I would work 2-10 5 nights a week, and all the nights on my weekend. I had become completely burnt out and it was sucking the life out of me. I'm one of those, where I try and balance everything in my life, but when work takes over, I freak out. I like having at least one night of my weekend open for some "me" time, to either go meet up with a friend or go see some racing. I even tried to change my availability to be able to work on Saturday before going to the track at night. Denied.

My schedule was so full that I had to meet up with friends on Tuesday nights when I free. It was great but felt rushed for time because not many people stay up as late as I do.

One night 3 weeks ago I got off work at 10 and changed clothes and headed to my home track to see the features, to see SOMETHING and I didn't spend a dollar and enjoyed every minute of it.
Feeling overwhelmed and borderline miserable, come July I began applying at some photography jobs just to keep my options open. I had a couple places send e-mail inquiries and I responded that I was interested in their position, and explained in my e-mail that I had photography experience. I then sent another follow-up email to see if the positions were still open, no reply at all.

3 weeks ago I got a text message out of the blue from Lifetouch Church Directory Photography for a phone interview the following morning. I was hired over the phone and began working 2 weeks ago. This was all God. I had been miserable at my old job, I was only in it for the full time and weekly pay, but I didn't enjoy it. It was just a JOB. I actually got back in touch with my youth minister from Lee's Summit and when I told him where I worked he said I had too much talent to be working there, I said I know that but I'm tired of waiting for doors to open. He said, you need to go knock those doors down. So I did. I'm still learning, it's a fun job, I love it, but there is math involved, which I suck at, and if my energy is drained or I'm dragging in the afternoon, you can tell but for the most part I'm really enjoying it.

I'm slowly getting my life back. Have been to 3 different race tracks in the past month, and was also able to see my favorite band in concert on Tuesday.

I was burnt out. I hate being busy (this current job keeps me plenty busy, there's days it's 12-hours from the time I leave home till the time I get back) but realize that is part of adulthood, and I still have some time to get stuff done around the house. I would love to still find someone to go out with, but need to find some free time to do so. As I say, I don't have time or anyone in mind. But life is good. It's a delicate balance. No more retail. Thankful for that.

I Think The Hardest Part of Holding On Is Letting It Go

Monday I made the most difficult decision of my life, but I felt like it had to be done.

2 years after running away from "G", she was still dominating my thoughts. Why? Do I have literally nobody else to think about in the busy-ness that is my life? I honestly don't have an answer. So after much thought, I just decided to end it, and finally move on with my life. I unfriended and unfollowed her social media accounts and either took down or untagged all photos I had of/with her (there was a lot)

I selfishly do this so I can move on. I never wanted to be in this situation to begin with and I honestly didn't know how to handle it. After all the praying, arguing/debating back and forth with myself, NOT wanting to be interested because I KNEW going in she wasn't the one, to literally running away instead of facing my fears, I felt like it was the right thing to do.

Like I posted in the lyrics I wrote last week, what if? What if I had never liked her beyond friendship? What if I had confidence in myself and could just tell her and risked the biggest fear I have? So many questions remain unanswered.

I still care deeply about her, I still do consider her a friend, although have only heard from her once all year, and this was nothing to do with her and everything to do with me and finally trying to move on once-and-for-all.

I use all this as a learning experience for the future in case this situation should arise again. I have too much self-doubt and lack-of-confidence, especially with females, especially incredibly Godly, beautiful females. How will I ever find the "one" if I keep running away and keep my feelings in the "head in the clouds" and never do anything about it? Someone once told me that I'm afraid to go after women, because I'm afraid I'm going to get hurt again. I hate it when people know me better than I know myself.

"Goodbye for now, I think the hardest part of holding on is letting it go"--POD.

"What If"

Lately I've been pondering (scary I know) That up until 2 years ago, what if I never liked "G"? What if I had just stayed friends with her and not let it develop beyond that? Where would I be in life right now? Would I still be at my old church with my old group of friends? Would I even know my amazing Cottonwood friends? So Tuesday I had a group of words rattling around in my head all day at work for 2 days, Wednesday I basically wrote it in my mind and made sure the idea was still in my head when I got home. I wrote it down, and even after I put it in my phone yesterday I added yet a couple more lines. It kind of reads like "Start Again" from the Red Innocence and Instinct album (go back 10 years) So without any further explanation, here's "What If"

Looking back
On time passed 
What could i have done differently? 
What if i never liked you? 
What if i has just stayed friends? 
What if i didn’t run away?
What if i could let go of all my fears?
What if i could truly trust You like i say i do?
Would my life be any different?
Why am i always so fearful?
Why am i always so afraid?
You have not given me a spirit of fear
God You know all the answers
You have a plan
You opened up the doors
You planted all feelings and emotions
Yet i still don’t quite know all the answers
And only know i will get them
In Your perfect timing
Difficult for my human mind
To at times grasp
Until Jesus truly satisfies
Not one person or thing ever will
Daily reminder to myself

a friend of mine asked me what I do with my songs? I'm not a musician. I'm a writer. I write to say what at times, believe it or not, I can't always say (and after 2 years why am I still writing songs about her?) I've been doing a lot of self-reflecting in my writing lately, I have 37 years of experience. I write for myself but also so maybe someone else can relate as well!

We're Selling the News

Over the last 2.5 years, since even before Donald Trump was sworn in as President, the attacks towards him and his family from the media and those on the left have been relentless.  All because he beat the "chosen one" fair and square in the 2016 election.

The narrative since then has been on the so-called "Russian Collusion" which I have known for some time that it was nonsense. In fact, the "Russian collusion" was a phony dossier paid for by the Clinton campaign to frame Donald Trump as an excuse for her losing the election. Today finally (hopefully) put the nail in the final coffin. The media, which is more than 95% liberal, ran with this story and beat it to death, knowing it wasn't factual.

Here's the facts. It is, in fact, not a crime to "collude" with a foreign country UNLESS money or a crime is committed (see Hillary Clinton giving uranium to the Ukraine) or Obama giving pallets of cash to Iran (which is a hostile US enemy) THAT is true collusion. Obama was even caught on a hot mic to a Russian ambassador almost a decade ago that "this is his last election, after the next election, he'll have more flexibility, or Eric Holder, the Attorney General under Obama, giving guns to the Mexican drug cartels in the Fast and Furious scandal,   THAT is true collusion.

The MSM media outlets, which are all in the Democratic party's back pocket and have tried to undermine the President since Day 1. He's been called racist (never was accused of being racist until he ran as a Republican), the border wall is NOT racist, the wall is to keep the country safe. He was called a Xenophobe (Keeping America First/Make America Great Again/Keep America Great) are NOT Xenophobic statements, but rather, having pride in your country, something of which the Democrats do not have (they hate Trump more than they have love of country)

The lamestream media, as I call them, has devoted so much time and effort to distort the truth and flat out lie to the American people to fit their agenda and to make President Trump out to be a monster.

They are now accusing him of treason and are once again screaming for his impeachment (that's literally the only word they know...they keep on using that word, I do not think they know what it means) because they can't stand the fact that their "Chosen One" lost an election, and have yet to get over it, 2.5 years later.

The liberal media is the true enemy of the American people, only giving you what they want to hear, instead of the truth.

Today I feel like the President is finally and truly vindicated and that he has been honest all along, that he is truly running the most transparent administration in history and this country is thriving in spite of all the opposition of the left.

God bless America, Keep America Great Again, and We're Selling the News

"I want to believe you I want to believe, but everything is in-between, the fact is fiction, suspicion is the new religion"

"Never Again Will I Run"

First blog of 2019. This year has gotten off to a rather uneventful start. What happens when you work 40 hours a week and all your weekend plans aka dirt races get rained out once the season officially started. Case in point. Last Saturday night, home, in my room listening to the '90s band Stavesacre (better than anything that is out now, trust me) and had a rhetorical question rolling around in my head, and quickly grabbed my notebook and jotted down some thoughts, even though I wasn't even in the writing mood. Played with it about 10 minutes and this is what turned out.

At what point in life Does the infatuation stage fade? Does it ever? Almost feels like i am at the point To not even pursue anyone Not that i ever did to begin with No longer will i run away But instead Man up and handle rejection and have Confidence in myself One thing I’ve always lacked Not sure why Always afraid she will See me in a different light Always affected the way I approach things Would honestly rather run away Than risk rejection yet again When it’s literally all I’ve ever known Will i ever expect the results to change? If i ever expect a different outcome Gotta change me My outlook my confidence my lifelong fear Not getting any younger here

After sending this out to about a dozen or so people, the first question I was asked was, who is this about. The surprising answer is, no one in particular. I came up with the first question, how old is too old for the infatuation stage, since I'm almost always prepetually single, am I too old to have a "Crush"? And came to the conclusion that, since I hit my 30s in 2011, I have been infatuated with 3 people. 1 I cried over letting go, one I actually dated, and one I ran away from. One of these days it will all work out. So I basically wrote it about 37 years of perspective through my eyes.