2016 year-in-review. The Best Year Ever!

As 2016 closes and 2017 approaches, let me fondly look back on the amazing and fortunate year I had. I know a lot of people said this is the worst year ever, or "only in 2016" I look at it as a positive. I had so many random meetings with friends, and lots of new experiences!

It started with a phone call in mid-March. I had been half-heartedly searching for a new job because I was burnt out and playing my options. After having 2 interviews at Sam's Club with no success, I tried my luck at Target. I have been trying to apply/work there off-and-on for 15 years (literally) and within 30 minutes of submitting my application online they called for an interview, after 3 interviews during an intense thunderstorm that morning, I was officially and finally a Target team member! I really enjoy working there. I like the atmosphere, I like the people I work with, and I see SO many people I know. So thankful to be there.

Some of the new experiences: in April, I went to a dirt track in Oklahoma with a guy I know that runs dirt late models, and I was in his pits all night. For as long as I have been attending dirt-track races, this was the first time I have EVER been in the pits DURING the event! I also, on Cinco de Mayo, went to my first-ever United States Touring Modified Series (USMTS) show in Greenville. 31 cars for a Thursday night, not too bad, and the show didn't run as long as their Saturday night show, and some really good and fast cars! In June, 2 things I got to do for the first time: after going with a friend to VW of Frisco during a monsoon to meet Tanner Foust of Top Gear and Former F1 and NASCAR driver Scott Speed, he and I won tickets to the global rally races in Fair Park the next day (I didn't even know they were in town) and it worked out, we were in the pits/all access all day, and come to find out one of my friends I hadn't seen in years ended up working as the pit reporter that day, so it was awesome seeing her and getting caught up (briefly) and we definitely got back in touch that day. Getting to see the cars up close and getting ALL the autographs of the drivers was a really awesome day! The next week I went to my usual mid-summer tradition, the NASCAR Truck Series race at Texas Motor Speedway. I went to the autograph session, but was slightly disappointed my favorite driver in the series, Rico Abreu, wasn't at the session. During the pre-race they were allowing fans on the track to make it look more "full" for the TV audience, and I was actually right at the end of the stage where the drivers walk down, they all got a fist pump from me, and I got Rico to sign my hat. Unfortunately I did not bring my camera as it was impromptu, although I have found a few pictures on facebook. So being on track and getting to greet all the drivers, was definitely a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

I went to my first concert in 2 years in September. I saw 3 bands I love: Red, Disciple, and Spoken. Was an amazing night. I actually was able to get pics w/ALL the bands and Red gave me their set list and I had them all sign it. Again, something new. I usually don't bring home any kind of souvenirs from concerts.

I attended 4 weddings (no funerals...) this year. I'm thankful that friends find each other and fall in love, and I was actually the best man at a good friends wedding. Was an honor. I keep thinking that with every wedding I go to, the next one I attend will be...mine. I feel like I'm literally the last man alive. I know my time is coming and it's all in God's timing and not mine.

In July, after attending the wedding of 2 friends we headed to Arlington to watch our 2 hometown teams play each other, the Royals and the Rangers. Watched the game with my parents, 2 aunts 2 uncles 2 cousins, cousins girlfriend and her family. And once again I had another chance meeting, I saw where one of my high school friends from Lee's Summit whom I hadn't seen since 1998 wasn't sitting too far from me, we were able to meet up in between innings.

That was the theme of this year. Random meetings with old friends, and thankful for the new friendships I have made.

It seems the only thing that didn't happen to me, that I so long for, is finding someone. I tried, to no avail. Like I said previously, it's not my time yet and it will happen when it's time. Other than that, this year has been truly unforgettable and thankful for the lifetime of memories made in just one calendar year.

Let's see what 2017 has in store. No matter what happens, God holds the future!

...But Still I Tried...

Since around this time last year, I have liked the same person off-and-on, knowing it wasn't mutal. Why I keep going back? I don't know. I started noticing her, I guess, knowing she was taken at the time, I remember asking her to lunch on Christmas night, and she said it would only be as friends. Flash forward to this fall. I have liked her 3 times since September. Why her? Why not. I mean, one look at her and you can see why. In my eyes, she is absolutely perfect. She is the most beautiful woman in the world I think, at the time, I just kinda looked at my options in my circle, and she was the closest to my age, and she is super sweet, and amazing Christian woman, and can laugh easily, all traits I look for. But it pains me, knowing I have zero chance. None. Zilch. Nada. I have a better chance of winning the lottery tomorrow.

We went to lunch as friends in July, it was over in less than an hour. It was just as friends, didn't seem much of a bond or connection. But still I tried. We attended the wedding of mutual friends from church in early September. She looked absolutely stunning. I could not take my eyes off her. I wanted to ask her to dance, never got up the nerve to. I did all the nice guy things, offered her cake, and went and got her a piece, she was oblivious to it. Still I tried...

I overheard her talking to someone else about relationships and whatnot and knowing that she was single (at the time) was when I officially liked her for the first time, and the first time I have officially liked anyone since my ex and I parted ways 3 years ago. I found out later that week that it, once again, wasn't mutual. I felt like absolute crap for a night, and then decided to not let it get me down and to pick myself up, brush myself off, and move on with my life. Thought about telling her how I had been feeling, then decided best to just let it go and remain friends. Still I tried...

Not long after that she had her birthday and mine was approaching, so I decided to ask her to lunch to celebrate both birthdays. She responded with, if we do go to lunch, I want you to know it's just as friends, I don't want you to think I was leading you on. Ok. So I never really brought it up again. I thought the next day in church would be super awkward. It wasn't. Thankfully I didn't even think about it. We usually sit together and we did and our class went to Chipotle for lunch, and she called me 3 times trying to find the location. Ok, great, still friends, I thought. Still I tried..

Fast forward to this past week. Literally EVERY TIME I see her, I want to ask her to lunch or get an updated picture. We actually did get a new picture, I know it was awkward for her. I promised it wouldn't go on Facebook (since so many of my pictures instantly go up) and I kept my promise, only 2 or 3 people have seen it, I don't even think she did. Sunday night was my most bizarre. I went to her page and looked through ALL of her photos (back to like 2007) like I was in love with her. I got chills (blame it on the cold) and I felt like I was going to cry, knowing I have zero chance with her. Why did I do it? She was on my brain. I think it was because she wasn't in church that morning and so I didn't get to see her. That night I finally prayed about it, to take these feelings away, since they weren't mutual, and I asked God to once again lead me to the right person, and to find a group with people more my age for me to get plugged into. I have yearned for a small group ministry for people in their 30s. I found one that meets at another church about 10 minute from me. Perfect. I hope this was the answered prayer I had been looking for.

She had been on my brain yet again today. Which is why I decided to type this. I don't know why, for the life of me, I have continued to have my eyes set on one particular person all year, knowing it didn't reciprocate, knowing I was just wasting my time. I long. I yearn. I'm desperate. She fit all I look for, but still I tried...

That Awkward Moment..

I have been attending some sort of college/singles-aged Bible study on Thursday nights since...college. It's hard for someone at my point of life (mid-30s single) to plug in somewhere with people my age, because most people my age are, well, married. I am obviously not (and may not ever...) I had been friends with one particular female for 5 or 6 years. I had never considered her anything beyond friendship. Then a couple weeks ago, things got REALLY awkward. I had been considering moving on from Thursday night group because, well, there comes a time in life where you have to move away from things. This particular female sent me a facebook message out of the blue saying that she wasn't interested in anyone, wasn't looking for anyone at the moment, and didn't know if I was interested (I wasn't...) and that it wasn't mutual. Ok. Thanks for letting me know that. I was 10 years older than her, I hadn't given her a second thought during the week. The last time I attended Thursday night Bible study I got her number so I could keep in touch with her, since I always did enjoy at least talking to her. Bad idea.

I sent a text not long after all this unfolded trying to make 100% sure that I had zero interest in her. But then I made it even more awkward. One wrong word in a sentence can make things that much more awkward. I said, I had, in fact, been interested in someone off-and-on all year, but I kept quiet about you. Oops. I meant to say, I kept quiet about it. Again, one wrong word can change an entire sentence to make it sound like nothing you initially meant to say.

I noticed she had since unfriended me on Facebook. Ok? Good riddance? We'll see each other in heaven, but if you no longer want to remain friends, Bye Felicia. I never intended for this to lead in anything beyond friendship, I apologize for whatever I may have done or said, you're a very sweet person and I WAS thankful for your friendship, but with that being said, enjoy your life, you'll never hear from me again. I'll leave you alone from here on out.

And with that, it's finally time for me to stop hanging around kids 19-22 (roughly...) I don't want to force something that isn't there.

Numb To It All

Saturday the woman (why do I still refer to 28-year-olds as "girls"?) Let me down. She was nice about it, but naturally I was bummed about it. I've liked her off-and-on for the past year. So last night my mind was wandering around 2AM and I wrote this down, just getting EVERYTHING out in the open. This is what came out.

Waited 3 years to have my eyes fixed on someone Fought myself for a year Going back and forth Knowing they were out of my league Still trying to keep my hopes up All for not Knew I was in over my head This time around Naturally bummed for a while But eventually numb to it all All I've ever known outcome always remains the same Tried to be the nice guy And do all the right things But you were oblivious Should have been my first sign Still I tried Tried to move on and just be friends Feelings came back stronger Than ever Still fighting it Till you let me down nicely Dont know what I have to do Part of me wants to Completely give up and cry God it's hard to have faith When this is all I've ever known How much more of this can I take? There is no heartache no bitterness no pain Only wish for once feelings were Always the case Until then outcome remains the same My fault for going in Over my head Still I tried I took a chance I'm to the point now I'm numb to it all I'm done with it all

The Gift of Singleness

The past few weeks at church, either my home church or my Tuesday night gathering in North Dallas with thousands of Young Adult Christians, the topic has been dating and/or/relationships and/or/singleness and the gift thereof. I know when I learn or have multiple lessons in a short span God is telling me something. I actually re-watched last Tuesday's message from the Porch. It hit me. Hard. In a good way. I have yet to understand, though, why relationships (from my perspective) are always the easiest thing to talk about but always so hard to be in, or even be in one at all.

This past week's message was on the gift of singleness. From what I've been through in life, it's hard for me to view it as a gift. I see it more of a curse. Just for me. I understand that singleness is a gift and is used as a time to serve the Lord. The message last week started with 1 Corinthians 7: an unmarried man isn't pleased in his own actions, rather, how he can serve the Lord (that's a big paraphrase and I had to backup when writing this quote down so as to not be taken out of context) Singleness is a gift that is useful. God has this status for you for a reason to share the name of Jesus. I have never seen it this way. The time to do rich ministry. That's where life is found.

The age-old single for a season, single for a reason...this struck me and hit me deep. I feel like I have had a longer single-season than almost anyone I know. Not trying to make it sound like it's all about me, because that would be defeating the point of this. It's a gift for today. I feel like so much so, however, that at this point is a gift that nobody really wants.

I've heard it said time and time again that when you aren't looking then that's when you'll find someone. It's so cliche. I technically haven't been looking for 3 years. I can barely be interested in anyone for more than a day, week, month...etc, a very short period of time, before I once again find out the hard way either she's taken or not interested. So much so that by this point of my life I'm just numb to it all. I know I'm not supposed to doubt or question God, but in reality, I do a lot. I often ask, God, how much more heartache am I allowed to have? Am I supposed to have anyone at all? Is anyone capable of loving me? Am I capable of loving someone else? It does go both ways. And yes, I think as a human who cannot think like God, it is ok to have these questions and doubts, but it also takes faith that God's plans are better than our plans and His ways are higher than our was.

As I've stated in a previous entry, I SAY I'm ready for a relationship, when in actuality, I'm not. There's so much in my life I need to remove, change, make myself better,etc, before I'm ready.

Get rid of my self-doubt. That's a hard one. I've had this lack-of-confidence about me almost my whole life.
Start telling women that I'm interested, and be ready for the response. For too long I've always liked someone and never did a thing about it. I always knew what the response would be, so after almost 35 years and becoming numb to it, I would honestly rather DO NOTHING than say anything for fear of rejection yet again.

Overcome rejection. So they aren't interested. Don't dwell on it, Suck it up and move on. Been there. Too many time to count. With one exception, rejection is literally all I've ever known. Like I keep reiterating, so much so that at this point of my life I am completely numb to it.

Become the man I need to be. I have told myself this so much. Remove any hindrance that keeps me from my focus on God. This is the single hardest thing for me to do. So often I just get distracted with life and my selfish needs that I forget that God ultimately knows what's best for me.

There was a point during the message when I poured out my heart and gave it all over to God. All my doubts, fears, my future, everything, so much so to where I was almost to the point of tears. I asked God, can I be content if You have no one for me? I think my answer was a reluctant, yes. Do You have anyone for me? Why is it so hard? Am I doing anything wrong? My mind began racing with all these questions that seem to have no answer, but then His peace and assurance told me to wait. Wait. That's all I've done. But I know His timing is different than my timing. And His will is perfect. And so often I've asked myself, why doesn't God tell us what His will is for my life? It would be so much easier. That's where faith and trust come in. I don't have enough faith or trust. In myself. In God. I fail.

I'm trying to see my singleness as a gift. It's so hard. I'm not trying to make this entry sound so depressing, I'm opening up myself to everyone who reads this. Underneath this is a broken man who wants for nothing more than to be loved. I am loved by my Father. I would love for a woman to love me the way that Jesus does.

Waiting for the Right One and Waiting on God

My "on this day" feature on Facebook today showed that 4 years ago today I began the only relationship I've ever been in. It was fun while it lasted, I learned a lot. What to do and what not to do for future reference in case I'm ever blessed enough to be in another relationship. After it ended almost 3 years ago (I'm amazed anyone would stick with me for that long) it was like I was starting over. What next? I thought. All I wanted in life was for someone to love me back and to love me like Jesus loved the church.

One of my problems is that I've always been afraid, petrified, to ever tell a member of the opposite sex that I like her. Why? I have no idea. Since about 8th grade (if not before...) I was always afraid that if I told said female that I liked her it would always affect the friendship, and I guess I would rather have a friend than anything beyond that, since I had very few friends growing up. So much so that I spent the entire decade of my 20s without asking out a single female. Ouch. Now that I've gotten older I almost feel like my chance has passed me by.

Just last week, for example, I had kind of liked a girl off-and-on for most of this year, not knowing if she was single or not (trust me, women like her don't stay off the market long) and I officially liked her for one whole week. One week. Wow that's a record. When I found out through a third party that it wasn't mutual, I went into a funk for one night only. Then I realized, you know, instead of me actually saying anything and telling her (I'm sure she would have been flattered) I decided just to let it go and stay friends with her and end it there, instead of making it incredibly awkward the next time we saw each other, and that way neither one of us (me) would end up getting hurt.

I have been told by a good friend, constantly, become what you attract. Sadly, I haven't done too much to make myself a good catch to the opposite sex. Women have never exactly thrown themselves my way anyway. My one relationship, we went out for 6-weeks/2-months solid before any one of us said anything. I mean, I am in my mid-30s and I still live at home. Life doesn't quite happen at the pace you would like and it happens at different times for different people, but me having bounced around so many odd jobs in my life, my current job is the highest-paying job I've ever had. Still not enough to afford to live anywhere without the aid of a roommate, and the few times I've had potential roommates, it's always fallen through for whatever reason. But I'm fully supportive of myself. Whatever it is I need, I pay for on my own. It may not be much, may not be the latest and greatest and fanciest, but one thing I'm proud of is that everything I own I paid for myself.

I've also been asked what do I look for in a mate? I HAD everything I looked for. So it took me close to 3 years to find what I look for again. It's not that hard. Basically, I want a woman who loves Jesus, racing, music, and can laugh easily. Not too hard. Surely she's out there right?

This year seems to be like the one year more than any other in recent memory where it just hits me that woah! I still don't have anyone. And have began frantically for a search, always coming up empty. I have very little free time during the week, my nights are occupied at either work (where I'm there to work...go figure) or at church-related activities, which is a great place to find someone, but Tuesday nights with there being several thousand in attendance they're all just faces in the crowd.

Speaking of Tuesday night, that's where I'm going with this. The current Porch series is on relationship goals, and I know last night is what God wanted me to hear. Towards the end of the message I heard God saying, you're trying too hard. Wait. There's times when I begin to lose all hope and doubt that I'll ever find anyone...the one thing I've wanted most out of life. I began to pour my heart out to God. I cried out (in a whisper, of course):God, I know this is what You wanted me to hear. Please give me peace and patience in all this, I know You have someone out there for me. I'll wait as long as I have to. It's hard to have trust and faith when this is all I've ever known, but at the time it was perfect and exactly what I wanted and needed to hear.

As I wrote in some lyrics at some point in my life: I'll keep waiting, she'll show up in God's perfect timing. Until then, live it up!

Looking For America

What happened to America? We no longer seem to be the land of the free and the home of the brave. Instead, it seems we have become the land of the easily offended and oppressed. I believe the downfall of America started in 2008 when the so-called "great unifer" was "elected" (stolen) into the highest office in the land. Instead of being the great unifer, I have never seen our country so divided on seemingly every issue. From race to politics to sexual orientation to what defines marriage, it seems to be no middle ground. Even now the Pledge of Allegiance is causing controversy. Never in my life would I imagine that the timeless classic that was written over 200 years ago would somehow not hold the same values as it was when it was written.

Now there is a narrative going around that ALL police are criminals and thugs and only shoot down people of a skin color because of said skin color. Facts are always twisted and distorted to fit a particular narrative. Never once have any of these people shot and killed by the hands of police officers were doing anything lawful, and most (not all....NEVER generalize) were under the influence of some kind of mind-altering substance. I'm sure the police officers were fearful for their lives. Never was this more true than the events of July 7, when a "Black Lives Matters" protest (again...why only BLACK lives? Why not all lives??? And for that matter...if only 'black lives matter',why is the majority of murder in America black-on-black crimes? Facts can be cruel and not fit a particular narrative) When in Downtown Dallas (which is not far from where I live in my quiet sprawling North Texas suburb) an armed militant who "hated white police officers" when shots were fired, the police RAN TO PROTECT the lives of the very people who they were protesting. If that's not bravery, I have no idea what is.

Now, unfortunately, athletes are using this false narrative to try and make a stand for something that doesn't exist. Colin Kaepernick, a former star QB for the Niners who is now relegated to backup, decided to protest the national anthem because of what he felt was "police brutality" towards black people, and feels the anthem is a sign of "oppression". I don't want to hear about oppression from a biracial person who was raised middle class by a white family who makes $19 million/year to sit on the bench. That is NOT oppression. Go to the Middle East. If you're NOT muslim, you are killed. Women are raped and killed. If you are not a muslim in that part of the world, you don't convert. You are killed. THAT is oppression. Again, false narrative based on twisted facts from the media.

I saw an article just this morning that a school in California threw away thousands of American flags as a 9/11 tribute. I was appalled. The day 15 years ago when ALL Americans regardless of color or religion, stood united. I haven't forgotten that day, it is forever burned in my mind as a sign of TRUE hatred for America.

I just thought I would never live to see the day when I would see my once proud country crumbling from within because those in "charge" don't love her. I wonder when the term "proud American" is found to be offensive...or are we already there? If you don't love our country and freedoms we still have here...leave. As simple as that. Instead of being constantly offended and trying to change our freedoms to suit your offenses and ruin it for everyone else...LEAVE!!!

God bless America,
"If My people who are called by My name will humble themselves and pray, I will hear them from heaven and heal their land" 2 Chronicles 7:14

First post all year...looking back 2 years

Lately I have been thinking a lot as to how my life was 2 years ago. 2014 doesn't seem too long ago but I can see how far I have come personally in the past 2 years. I went through a lot that year, looking back now it all seemed so petty but I am so much better off now. To begin the year I had gone through a tough breakup. When you wait your whole life to be with someone and you think you have "the one" and then when it's over it's like, ok what's next? It literally took me all of that year to get over her. And still being involved in the same nightly activities and seeing each other multiple times throughout the week didn't help my healing process. We had a mutual friend that I would get answers out of, I felt like I was using that person instead of being a friend. While I got to do a lot of amazing things and meet some awesome people throughout the entire year, inside I was miserable. I didn't look to God for any of my answers. I sought wisdom of my friends and tried to find the answers myself, which always led to nowhere. I met another girl who ended up being a complete pshyco-attention starved crazy person. We went out once and I ended it when she started moving too close too fast and I ended up hurting her. Again, took too long to try and put an end to the wrong I may have done.

My longtime job I had got to be too stressful and later in the year dad had some health issues and I was more worried/focused on that and the workload became too much and one night in the middle of my shift I had literally had enough and left. Desperate to quickly find other work I took the low road and ended up working in fast food again. Dead-end, low pay, not enjoying any of it. Literally working to work and to earn a paycheck.

Last year was a little better. I couldn't afford anything, had a couple opportunities that fell by the wayside and was just struggling to get by.

2016 was the year I was bound and determined to find something to better improve myself personally and to be more financially stable in hopes to finally be out on my own (mid-30s living at home...so wrong...) and God is blessing me with a great job that I enjoy and making more money, and I'm not coming home stressed out at the end of the night.

2 years. A lot has changed. I was miserable on the inside. I'm a Christian. A child of God. Christ lives in me. Why was I miserable? I lost what I thought was my one-true love. He has someone better for me (there's days I have doubts...we all have doubts) but I'm still holding on to hope and I know it's in His timing and not mine. There are areas in my life I need to give up and He is slowly working  on me in that area, and also putting full trust in Him

The first half of this year has already been amazing and am so blessed w/not only the new job opportunity but the chance to meet so many new people and to see old friends again by chance and to experience new things.  Cannot wait to see what the rest of this year has in store for me. Thanks God!